you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
