Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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