his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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