WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
