I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
That's when you crack a 10am beer
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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