Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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