I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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