Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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