At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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