I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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