Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
