i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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