I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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