I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
