he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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