I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
