can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
