I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
