It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
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You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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