she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Four minutes until I can fart!
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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