You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
