I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
