she woke up with a sticky ear
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I forget how to act sober
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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