wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
