Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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