Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
