Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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