I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
