I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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