I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
