i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
