I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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