It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
