someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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