Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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