I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
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How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
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Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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