I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
