Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
