sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
