my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Randomize
