I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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