Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
