Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
