It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
