Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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