I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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