I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
