I met the friendliest cop last night
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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