if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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