Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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