The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You left your phone here
Wait...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
