If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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