oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
they need to just BURY HIM!
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
