Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
