Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
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i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
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It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize