This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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